Indefinite Detention

This blog has been indefinitely suspended while the Granola Poet is being held in the maximum security wing of the Soledad Federal Prison in Soledad, California. Local authorities in Grover Beach apprehended the Granola Felon late Monday night after he drove his white Geo Storm through the glass doors of Grand Liquor, on the southeast corner of Grand Avenue and 8th Street in Grover Beach.

After ramming the convenient store’s entrance, the criminal penman crawled out of the window of his disabled vehicle, walked inside, and allegedly accosted the store clerk, demanding he hand over every box of Captain Crunch® breakfast cereal in the store. The clerk, quick to see that something was amiss, reached under the counter for a baseball bat with which he preceded to deliver poetic justice to the unruly customer.

Police arrived on the scene minutes later. It was a short drive from the Grover Beach Police Station located across the street. A field sobriety test on the granola ruffian came up positive for alcohol, marijuana, methamphetamine and 2C-B, giving officers probable cause to proceed to the offender’s residence and conduct a full search of the premises.

In addition to a formidable stockpile of hallucinogens, authorities also discovered what appeared to be an elaborate plan for the assassination of the President. Among the culprit’s extensive notes and records, police found a complete itinerary for the President’s travel plans through Mississippi and Arkansas, scores of roadmaps, stacks of photographs of the soon-to-be-ex-President, as well as many pictures of Little Rock, blue prints for numerous hotels and other buildings in the downtown Little Rock area, and a one-way ticket from San Luis Obispo airport to Little Rock International in Arkansas.

No weapons were found in the home, but a number of middle eastern rugs, tapestries and other artifacts were found throughout the house and hanging on the walls. A team of IT detectives is currently working to unscramble the encryption on the misguided wordsmith’s laptop. Authorities have been unable to reach the writer’s attorney, Ahmed Naficy. Naficy’s secretary has said that the attorney is in Iran for the month on family business.