James Joyce's Ulysses: the complete series

James Joyce’s ULYSSES, in 36 easily digestible Limericks
By The Granola Poet

“Ulysses”
There once was an artist called Stephen
With Homer he tried to get even
       So Bloom and he walk
       Around Dublin and talk
About all the things they believe in

Telemachus (episode 1)
The story begins in a tower
Where 8 o'clock is the hour
       Young Buck and Sir Haines
       Make light of his pains
But wait till he meets Mr. Flower

Telemachus #2
It starts with a portion of prose
From "Portrait" our character rose
       A maker of mazes
       His thoughts take us places
Like the Liffey his monologue flows

Telemachus #3 (Homeric)
There once was a young Telemachus
Whose father left him in a fracas
       To the war he objected
       But his name was selected
For an odyssey certain to shock us

Nestor (episode 2)
At 10 o’clock school is in session
It starts with a history lesson
       To the past Stephen reaches
       And languidly teaches
For his own past he must make confession

Nestor #2
At school young Stephen is teaching
And into the past he is reaching
       By his’try they’re bound
       To a king and his crown
And a Pope who’s incessantly preaching

Proteus (episode 3)
Introducing the Protean mind
Streaming with thoughts of all kind
       The king changes shapes
       As our hero escapes
On a quest for a woman who’s kind





Calypso (episode 4)
Calypso is leading a life of seduction
As Leopold seldom attempts reproduction
       Their home goes to Blazes
       While Bloom simply gazes
At maidens who gaily portend his destruction

Lotus Eaters #1 (episode 5)
In the bathtub he dwells on a lotus
A billet-doux from the pocket he showed us
       Her language so flirty
       Makes Flower feel dirty
Her roses he tries not to notice

Lotus Eaters #2
Naughty Miss Martha she beckoned
For Henry was lonely she reckoned
       But when she comes calling
       He can’t help from falling
Some thirty-two Bloom feet per second

Hades #1 (episode 6)
All Dublin has come out to pay their respects
A rite to which Leopold lightly objects
       In metempsychosis
       One life cycle closes
On dad’s misadventure L. Bloom he reflects

Hades #2
The gravediggers gather in lightsome lament
Poor Dignam on Guinness his last schilling spent
       But there’s no disgrace
       To die drunk on his face
While old mister Bloom has no chance to repent

Hades #3
In Hades his thoughts grew nightmarish
On the losses of loved ones we cherish
       Of Rudy’s young face
       And father’s disgrace
Each day umpteen thousand more perish

Aeolus (episode 7)
There’s a paper where men shoot the breeze
Blowing steam over Mad Cow’s Disease
       Home Rule is one topic
       On which they’re myopic
For our heroes have both lost their key(e)s

Lestrygonians (episode 8)
There was an old Hebrew in search of a bite
In the lunchroom he witnessed a sickening sight
       With the animals feeding
       He felt like excreting
But a sandwich he managed to eat with delight

Scylla & Charybdis (episode 9)
Somehow Stephen’s reasons seem so circumstantial
Prince Hamlet distracts him from problems financial
       In a sharp dialectic
       And a voice apoplectic
He maintains that the actors are all consubstantial

Scylla & Charybdis #2
There once was a passage so dangerously narrow
‘Tween white rocks of dogma and whirlwinds of Tarot
       The balance required
       Left Mulligan tired
But Stephen flew on with the grace of a sparrow

Wandering Rocks (episode 10)
Inverts and adverts and throwaway sheets
The minions meander through mazes and streets
       A priest on parade
       A state cavalcade
The double-edged spoon from which Ireland eats

Sirens (episode 11)
On a sea of sweet voices our mongrel is cast
To resist their temptation he’s tied to the mast
       By bronze and by gold
       Some stout pints are pulled
And later, like gas, a loose trollop is passed

Sirens #2
A hero hears voices out over the oceans
While sirens fill glasses with succulent potions
       His eardrum it pounds
       With sonorous sounds
And somewhere a street girl seductively motions

Cyclops (episode 12)
I once knew a man who was prone to eruption
Lashing about at the eye of destruction
       Exalting his land
       Libation in hand
Then blinded by no-man with no introduction

Nausicaa (episode 13)
O’er the sea sinks the sun with contrition
To be watching alone is the human condition
       Just a rock on the sand
       Honeymoon in the hand
Sewing seeds with no chance of fruition

Oxen of the Sun #1 (episode 14)
There once was an infant alone in the womb
As herds of debauchers all crowded the room
       By fluids enveloped
       Their bodies developed
And alone once again they head straight for the tomb

Oxen of the Sun #2
There was a commotion in yon House of Horne
By three days of labor a mother was torn
       While gentlemen waiting
       Delivered words so degrading
The god-possibled soul of a new boy was born

Circe #1 (episode 15)
A vision at midnight by magic affected
But Bloom’s black potato is bound to correct it
       Like a morsel of moly
       To reverse the unholy
The remedy found where you least would expect it

Circe #3
Our pig-headed heroes wind up at Miss Bello’s
One of the district’s most fetching bordellos
       Where spirits might render
       Delusions of splendor
Finally conjoining these two wayward fellows

Circe #4
Stubbornly Stephen’s extending his nerve
“Non Serviam” he will duly observe
       While Bloom takes a bow
       Like a suckling sow
The artist announces that he will not serve

Circe #5 (in iambic meter)
From darkness mother steps in sight
Doomed for term to walk the night
       Behold her head
       All beastly dead
Will Stephen make what’s rotten right?

Eumaeus #1 (episode 16)
In the wee early hours their congress occurs
Perfectly sober Bloom sorely infers
       That Stephen’s been euchered
       Forsaken and suckered
And therefore he (Bloom) at this treason demurs

Eumaeus #2
A wayfaring vessel returns to drop anchor
Pretenders and thieves are regarded with rancor
       At home there’s a rift
       After ages adrift
A respectable sailor would rightfully spank her

Eumaeus #3
A salesman returns where he one-time resided
Where upon he discovers his house is divided
       An adventure through town
       Brought him all the way round
Till father and son are at long last united

Ithaca #1 (episode 17)
How shall this hero extinguish his passion?
With questions all posed in fastidious fashion.
       Then where does he head?
       But straight for the bed
Right back to the womb and the voice of compassion.

Ithaca #2
What is the point of this painful narration?
To slaughter the suitors in examination.
       And what about miss Marion?
       Bloom answers her clarion
Bracing himself for a keen remonstration.

Penelope #1 (episode 18)
By 2 in the morning room seven’s a mess
Molly has just seen poor Poldy undress
       By bawdy suggestion
       She answers the question
Announcing resoundingly certainly Yes

Penelope #2
They’re fleshing it out at their Eccles address
Erupting with feelings she needs to express
       She wonders half sleeping
       Is Poldy worth keeping?
And answers in estrous emphatically Yes


“Finnegans Wake”
James Joyce was an exile in France
Where the Earwicks held him in a trance
       Lost in his thoughts
       With a stream of bon mots
But none of it makes any sense